Character Development, Oldsters

Feedback needed on a short love scene…

Writing out of sequence today, but needed to try and get this love scene down as it was consuming me. Wanted to keep it short and simple – this is Nick and Lila, characters from my novel Oldsters. They’ve known each other only a few weeks and are in the middle of a road trip from Illinois to New Mexico. We’ve seen them start to show small signs of affection, but this should be somewhat of a surprise to the reader. This is not a romance novel, but I still want to portray these types of feelings adequately.

Looking for feedback – is it too short, not enough details or am I right in keeping it short and simple? These are folks in their 60s and 70s so it should read tender but hopefully leave you rooting for them as much as you would for a younger couple.

Once in the room, the school-girl giddiness turned to anxiety and Lila was unsure of what to do next. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, the lines on her neck seemed more pronounced than ever and she felt foolish. With nowhere else to turn, she looked at Nick. He smiled shyly at her and took her hands in his, and for a moment neither of them said a word.

“This is crazy,” she shook her head.

“Is it, why?” he asked softly.

When she didn’t say anything, he dropped one of her hands, and with the other led her to the bed where they both sat on the edge.

Facing her, he smiled again. “You are an amazing woman Lila Richardson. I knew it the first night I met you. I know this may seem too soon, but is that even something we have to consider? I know what I feel, and it doesn’t matter to me if I’ve known you a day or a month or a year. I’m sixty-six years old and what I know is I haven’t had a feeling like this in so long, since – ” he dropped off.

“Well for one thing, I’m much older than you,” she said seriously.

He grinned, and then burst out laughing. She looked at him and realizing the absurdity of her statement, she joined him and they rocked back and forth unable to stop for several minutes.

“Look at me lady,” he said taking her hand once again. “You are beautiful, sexy. There was not a woman out there tonight whose face glowed brighter or whose eyes sparkled more. You danced like there wasn’t another day coming.” He looked around the room, and back at her. “If you don’t want this – ” he gestured behind him and she blushed. “I don’t care. But you need to know that I have come to adore you and I want to be there for you if you’ll have me. I want to feel the way you make me feel, for however many more days the man in charge gives me.”

Before she could say anything else, he moved his hand to her neck, caressing it softly. He smoothed back a single long bang and tucked it behind her ear. Lila didn’t move. Thoughts in her head swam around madly, unwilling to assemble in any type of reasonable manner. But something pushed the parade of fleeting words aside and suddenly all she felt was his hand. It was rough, but against her skin it felt strong. She felt herself relaxing in the same way a child does when being held by a loving parent.

When he put his hands on either side of her face, slightly under her chin, she allowed the movement. And when he gently urged her face toward his, she didn’t demur. His lips were tender, but deliberate and she only removed herself from the situation long enough, only a second really, to realize she was wanted.

They fumbled here and there, not unlike any set of new lovers, but earlier worries disappeared like an early morning fog lifting to reveal a fine day. In the moment, she couldn’t help but think of other lovers she’d had since Jack’s death and she was keenly aware that this was different. This felt like it had felt with Jack. She held on to Nick tighter now, meeting his eyes when she climaxed.

2 thoughts on “Feedback needed on a short love scene…”

    1. Thanks Stephen, appreciate it. BTW, saw one of your books over at Xbookz a couple of weeks ago, so congrats – looks like you’ve been working hard! I remember when you were working on your first one I think when I met you at my old Writer’s Group. Keep writing!


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